This is it

This post has nothing to do with Michael Jackson.

I am very happy to have all of my items of business winding down.  Tomorrow is the day I defend my adult person prospectus to my committee.  I feel as prepared as I can, though I still do not feel prepared.  It will be such a thrill to have the meeting over, even if it means my prospectus is rejected.  I love to see things like this just, well, end.

A million thoughts rushed to my head last night about my impending doom with the prospectus.

1. Do I have a projector in the room I'll be presenting in?
2. How can I get the assent form completed for the application to the IRB?
3. Which references do I include in the IRB?
4. What the heck do I wear at a "defense?" I feel like I need a helmet and knee pads or something.
5. Where do the copies of my IRB go?

Getting Vaccinated

Well, this certainly has been a learning experience I will never forget.  In retrospect, I remember the feelings I had back in January of, "How. Will. I. Do. This?"  I felt so afraid about 90% of the time.  Teaching full time (and it's only my second year), while attending graduate classes and this field study prep course, not to mention writing a new literature review, TERRIFIED me.  I remember mapping out in my head how to allocate time for all of my routines and thinking, "Some of my crazy routines will have to die for this new class."  I wasn't prepared to commit to being at BYU every single day after work, and I really didn't want to make the commitment; I felt like I could not make the commitment--that it wasn't humanly possible.  I was seriously planning out time where I would be able to breathe thinking, "Crap, well I guess I can't breathe anymore on Tuesdays."  Okay well I did it.  Here I am, and it's over, and I did it. I know it's only the beginning in some ways, but I'm passed the beginning at least?  That's good. Back in January when I planned out times for me to shower, dress, brush teeth, and eat breakfast within the same 6 minutes, I actually had no idea what was ahead of me.  I grossly underestimated what would be required of me and what I'd be able to accomplish. I know I must attribute my strength, perseverance, and actually just plain miraculous events to "divine intervention," my students, my professors, and my family (thank you, Father & Mother Barnes and Dr. Barnes!).  I'm not as "big" as this final project implies, it's simply just miracles that carried me through this semester.  This sounds sort of like a speech for a big cause or something, or like my dying words, but honestly I thought I was going to die!

Here's the great news: I lived and I have the final product I thought impossible.  That's lucky and wonderful and I'm grateful for all of the support I've had and hope I'm able to produce more work that will benefit the people I love, the people that carry me through each sad and scary time.  I am truly determined to pay it forward, especially to my beautiful students, including the students in Bylakuppe.  I'm thrilled that I'll see them soon and learn from their examples.

I just feel lucky, and perhaps a little too proud.  I'm grateful.

And I hope the defense goes.  I don't even care if it goes well or bad, I just want it to "go."