This is it

This post has nothing to do with Michael Jackson.

I am very happy to have all of my items of business winding down.  Tomorrow is the day I defend my adult person prospectus to my committee.  I feel as prepared as I can, though I still do not feel prepared.  It will be such a thrill to have the meeting over, even if it means my prospectus is rejected.  I love to see things like this just, well, end.

A million thoughts rushed to my head last night about my impending doom with the prospectus.

1. Do I have a projector in the room I'll be presenting in?
2. How can I get the assent form completed for the application to the IRB?
3. Which references do I include in the IRB?
4. What the heck do I wear at a "defense?" I feel like I need a helmet and knee pads or something.
5. Where do the copies of my IRB go?

Getting Vaccinated

Well, this certainly has been a learning experience I will never forget.  In retrospect, I remember the feelings I had back in January of, "How. Will. I. Do. This?"  I felt so afraid about 90% of the time.  Teaching full time (and it's only my second year), while attending graduate classes and this field study prep course, not to mention writing a new literature review, TERRIFIED me.  I remember mapping out in my head how to allocate time for all of my routines and thinking, "Some of my crazy routines will have to die for this new class."  I wasn't prepared to commit to being at BYU every single day after work, and I really didn't want to make the commitment; I felt like I could not make the commitment--that it wasn't humanly possible.  I was seriously planning out time where I would be able to breathe thinking, "Crap, well I guess I can't breathe anymore on Tuesdays."  Okay well I did it.  Here I am, and it's over, and I did it. I know it's only the beginning in some ways, but I'm passed the beginning at least?  That's good. Back in January when I planned out times for me to shower, dress, brush teeth, and eat breakfast within the same 6 minutes, I actually had no idea what was ahead of me.  I grossly underestimated what would be required of me and what I'd be able to accomplish. I know I must attribute my strength, perseverance, and actually just plain miraculous events to "divine intervention," my students, my professors, and my family (thank you, Father & Mother Barnes and Dr. Barnes!).  I'm not as "big" as this final project implies, it's simply just miracles that carried me through this semester.  This sounds sort of like a speech for a big cause or something, or like my dying words, but honestly I thought I was going to die!

Here's the great news: I lived and I have the final product I thought impossible.  That's lucky and wonderful and I'm grateful for all of the support I've had and hope I'm able to produce more work that will benefit the people I love, the people that carry me through each sad and scary time.  I am truly determined to pay it forward, especially to my beautiful students, including the students in Bylakuppe.  I'm thrilled that I'll see them soon and learn from their examples.

I just feel lucky, and perhaps a little too proud.  I'm grateful.

And I hope the defense goes.  I don't even care if it goes well or bad, I just want it to "go."

Proposal Insights

Finally, my proposal is complete...for the most part.  I presented my proposal yesterday to classmates, and it was an informative experience.  It was another good practice run for my prospectus defense (scheduled for Monday!) in terms of knowing how to pace myself and read body language on which topics need clarification without having to ask questions.  It was also a unique experience to practice presenting my project and my specialty, special education, in an interdisciplinary way.  Since class a few weeks ago, I've been quite proactive about making my research more interdisciplinary because I want it to extend to many fields and be readable and interesting to different professionals.  I've come to the conclusion that being interdisciplinary=helping more people.

becoming interdisciplinary

The biggest feedback I received on my proposal presentation was that I need to make it more clear whether or not I will be implementing an intervention with the actual residents at the home.  This answer to this is: I will not.  I will simply be providing a thick description of the current situation at Karuna Home and participant observing to determine capability levels and instruction while volunteering at Karuna.  So this is something I need to adjust in my (a) presentation, (b) prospectus, (c) IRB application, and (d) ISP proposal.  Something I've found rather annoying through this process of being a graduate student with a prospectus and a student in an international study prep course is making sure all changes happen on all documents.  There are so many!

Overall, I'm happy to see the progress being made in my project.  I'm only getting closer to a real product, which is exciting.  I've spent all of my time researching literature and methods, and a little time was reserved for cultural research, but now I really get to dive deeper into the actual location I'm going to in more logistical ways.  Here's a better way of saying that sentence: it's time to pack.  I can picture the trip as something real now, which only adds motivation.  Before it was too overwhelming to seriously expect myself to write a prospectus, proposal, IRB app, fellowship app, and so on in addition to going to a foreign country and actually carrying out my plans.  Now that I've completed a lot of the big steps, I can face the bigger picture with more reasonable anxiety and excitement.
Proposal complete.

prospectus defense

The pressure has really been on the past few weeks for me to submit my application to the IRB.  I've felt really uncomfortable about it, and so of course very nervous about running out of time for approval, as my application will go full board and require additional reviewing time.  When I'd sit and envision the weeks to come and a day where I defend my prospectus, I thought it impossible.  I have all these classes to attend, so much homework to catch up on,  a proposal to complete,  and three presentations to prepare for that will occur this week.  Oh and by the way I teach special education classes full time to individuals with severe disabilities.  In addition to this, my two aunts from Colorado and San Francisco showed up this week and I really wanted to see them while they were here.  I was feeling like I was just running through one deadline to the next, barely making it before tripping or running out of breath or something.  I'd just finished a graduate research fellowship application as well as a few other applications, my course contracts, and IRB draft.  Here's the main idea to this nonsense: I was bushed.

Somehow, though, (1) I've sort of prepared for the presentations to come, (2) my proposal got polished up and just about finished, (3) I saw my wonderful aunts during convenient times like when it was time to eat meals, and (4) miraculously I've scheduled my prospectus defense which will take place next week.  On Friday just before class I submitted my prospectus to all of my committee members.  I'm terrified about the actual defense, but also pleased as punch.  I sort of skipped myself around BYU on the way back home.  I have a little bounce in my step because things are moving forward.  

In the end, I'm really grateful this field study pushed me so hard early on to get solid drafts of my project in the form of a proposal.  I think it's a big reason I've been able to pull off other things with so many deadlines and pressures.  I had a good foundation for my prospectus, fellowship applications, and so on.

I'm tired.