Serving: A Relationship Between Equals

In one of the required course readings, "Helping, Fixing, or Serving" by Rachel Naomi Remen from her book Kitchen Table Wisdom, I found comfort, gained wisdom, and felt inspired.  The idea of whether or not I'm helping, fixing, or serving is something I'm constantly confronted with daily at my job as a special educator for individuals with severe disabilities.  It's not so much others' perceptions of me that I'm confronted with as much as my own personal critique of myself.  In my every action when working with these students I have the opportunity to learn, to gain, and to glean from the experience.  I can sit down with a student and think, "Okay now we're going to count blocks to 10, and we'll probably only get to 3, and it's going to take all day, and I'm tired" or I can think, "Now I get to be around Oliver, who has the best jokes in the world, or Scout whose smile pierces right through my soul with pure kindness and joy, despite the fact that she's in constant pain."  I'm always faced with two options: to be grateful and realize my sisterhood to all humans on earth, or to count the minutes on the clock while I "do my time" until I must perform another task at work, or in life.

The students I work with are absolutely beautiful.  Their differences are such assets to society and to my personal reality at large.  Their perspectives are so superior to mine, or at least so different than mine, that I often find myself fumbling trying to find a piece of furniture to grab onto because I'm so taken back--so astounded.  Sometimes I feel emotional and my heart strings are being pulled at, other times I'm roaring with laughter, but in all cases I find different and more positive ways of looking at the world--my students help me look at a dreary world with hope, excitement, and courage.  One of my favorite moments from last year goes as follows:

I came to school feeling pretty down on my circumstance for that month.  I'd just been informed by a specialist that I had iritis and was having sharp pains in my left eye, which was only alleviated by wearing a pirate patch in addition to a pair of giant Karl Heinz sunglasses over them.  My left eye had been malfunctioning for a few days and I had to stay in complete darkness because I was losing eyesight, not to mention the pain.  So after getting some medicine in my eye and hearing my "diagnosis" with my doctor's detached attitude, I sort of dragged my feet back to work to see my students and dismissed the substitute teacher.  I started to attempt to teach the lesson, but my eye was burning.  I closed all the blinds and carried on as non-emotional tears dripped down out of my pirate patch (seriously, they were non-emotional--my eye just kept watering).  My paraeducator said, "Miss Barnes, are you okay?  What happened to your eye?"  At this point nobody had asked about the patch or the sunglasses, as everyone knows I'm an extremely private person and pity embarrasses me.  Finally I let a little complaint slip with sarcasm, "Oh, nothing really.  Just that I might go blind in this left eye if these eye drops don't work, and if I do use the eye drops, I'm liable to be getting cataracts!"  It was sort of quiet with the exception of a few sympathy chuckles when one of my students blurted out loudly and as clearly as he could with his speech impediment, "At least you got one good eye!!"  I looked at him with this wild beaming smile I'm sure because I thought it was the absolute perfect thing to say.  This student, who doesn't have the best circumstances, took the situation for what it was worth, evaluated it, and said something true and real that humbled me instantaneously.  Not to mention it was pretty dang hilarious.

The point is, I rarely approach my job with an attitude of helping, never do I approach it with an attitude of fixing, and I'd like to think I approach it sometimes with an attitude of serving.  Overall though, my most common attitude is one of two-way benefit and interaction.  I describe what I do not even so much as teaching but as as working with.  I'm working with somebody just as much as they're working with me.  In exchange for teaching my students to live more independently in the world, they teach me to live more happily.  Often times it doesn't feel like an exchange, simply an honor to learn from their examples.

The other point I hoped to make earlier was that even after leaving work, I'm still confronted with the helping, fixing or serving dilemma.  In almost all social situations after people hear what I've dedicated my life to they inevitably say, "You must be so patient" or "You must have so much compassion" or phrases of that nature.  Before they can even get to the last word I find myself having both palms stretched out to them, shaking them to politely say, "No, no, no," and then I literally do say, "No, no, no.  I'm actually quite rude and impatient, especially with my peers."  This comment that I've been trying to eliminate from my interactions usually turns the conversation really cold or just awkward.  It's instinctive, though, for me to say it because I want to represent my students accurately.  They are the furthest thing from charity cases to me.  They are able human beings with personalities, strengths, weaknesses, dreams, and desires just like anybody else.  I suppose this is why this reading really spoke to me.  If I approached my job with an attitude of helping and fixing, it would be a lower law to live by.  As Remen said:

"Helping, fixing and serving represent three different ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. Fixing and helping may be the work of the ego, and service the work of the soul."

My students may seem broken when visitors are walking in the for the first time and they see the physical pain they might appear to be in.  They might seem broken to people that can't understand what they're saying or why they are quoting movies loudly verbatim, even doing the hand motions.  They could seem broken when they repeat the same questions over and over.  But man, I have parts of me that are broken too, they're just not so readily available to the general public.  I don't see my students as broken or weak, I see them as even more whole than myself.  I admire them and respect them as I hope to do to all human life.  If I approached my work as a charity case or fixing/helping situation, it would become draining way too fast.  I would miss out on a strengthening experience between equals, equals who are all sharing and living in the human condition.  I hope to more consistently make efforts in all facets of my life to choose to serve others.  Remen says it best:  

Britany and Jenny 2007

"Serving is different from helping. Helping is not a relationship between equals...Service is a relationship between equals: our service strengthens us as well as others."

When reading about this idea of service being a relationship between equals, my thoughts immediately turned to memories of my aunt Jenny, the biggest inspiration of my life.  I grew up with her and lived with her as her "Life Coach" in 2008 before she passed away.  I remember writing a paper about her after her passing and describing her as having many roles in my life: at times she was my sister, my mother, my aunt, but mostly my best friend.  Jenny was an exemplary human being--she lived happily, independently, and meaningfully despite her circumstances.  I never thought of Jenny as having a disability, and certainly never did I think of her as being lesser than me or in need of my fixing or helping.  Having Jenny in my life really was a relationship between equals that I've tried to pattern my life after.

When I get to Karuna Home, I'm certain my attitude of service will carry on.  I expect to have a strengthening experience with all those I interact with, which is vital in such an unfamiliar, and even sometimes frightening situation.  Honestly, my greatest comfort about flying away to this random place in India by myself for three months is that I will be with those kids I've seen in the pictures on Karuna's website.  I'm confident that the experience will be one of exchange, where we will all learn from each other and be strengthened.  And again, that source of strength will be precious to me at times of frustration, fear, or whatever else lies ahead for me in the field study experience.  Even in a completely foreign place and situation, I will find familiarity in the loving human interactions with other inspiring people around me.  Thank heavens. :)